Roy the Reaper’s Guide to a Comfortable Everlasting Sleep

By

Cody Maltby

The numbers after Roy’s name on every one of his lines is to let the Technical team know which recording the line belongs to on QLAB.

The capitalised lines of dialogue represent recordings of other people.

SET –

The set is a living room with a coffin stage right. Back centre stage is a settee, behind that is a suitcase, next to the settee is a table with objects like cards and ornaments. A rug on the floor centre stage.

HOUSE MUSIC –

Just Jack – The Day I Died.

Pre-set

The day I died plays. There is an orange spotlight on the coffin.

 Roy 1. IF I WAS CREMATED I’D PROBABLY GET BURNED WITH A DOMINO’S PIZZA. WHY? JUST COS IT’S LIKE ONE OF MY FAV FOODS. BUT WHY WOULD YOU GET BURNT WITH IT? IT’S JUST DESTROYED. LIKE IF I WAS GETTING BURIED, I’D GET BURIED WITH ONE JUST IN CASE I WAKE UP AND I CAN DIE AND THAT WOULD BE MY LAST MEAL. THERE’D BE WORMS ON IT. NO THERE WOULDN’T, THEY WOULDN’T GET INTO THE COFFIN, YOU’VE NOT HAD TIME TO ROT YET. AH OKAY.

The Lion King’s The Circle of Life plays. Cody pushes the lid off of the coffin and puts a box of Domino’s pizza over his head, likening it to Simba.

After an uncomfortable moment of Cody eating the pizza and struggling to get out of the coffin the music cuts.

He finally gets out and addresses the audience.

Cody. Thank you for coming. I am just going to talk about death and how perplexing and scary it is and that is The Circle of Life which is why you know, that just happened. “All that lives must die, passing through nature to eternity” as they say, or as said by some bloke from Hamlet. Right so death.

Roy 2. Boo!

Cody. Pardon? No audience participation cheers.

Roy 3. It’s me.

Cody. You alright me? Quiet down mate.

Roy 4. Boo.

Cody.  Who are you? Who is this?

Roy 5. Roy. You were referred to me by yourself because you’re a bit scared of the inevitability of death.

Cody. Whose voice is that? Mouths to the audience – It’s me dads.

Roy 6. Clears throat. There are many uncertainties of life. Your existence itself was uncertain at some point. If your mother had stopped at that 9^th can of White Ace, she would have noticed the lack of contraception and closed shop. Or if your father had one last wank you’d be lost inside a sock for all of eternity. The one thing that is not uncertain, is death. You never know when it is going to pop up, but it is there. You should know that.

Cody. I was six years old. I don’t like proper remember. I remember weird and useless shit.

Roy 7. Like?

Cody. Like I was playing outside, in shorts and it started to piss it down with rain. And I, even though my house was around the corner, hid in a garage til it stopped. I don’t know why. And then cut to, I’m in hospital, throwing up on turkey dinosaurs, but I was so hungry I tried to eat them anyway and I woke up with a Ginger Spice bobble head on me table, I proper fancied her, but that thing was creepy as. Oh and I watched Dumbo. A lot. It’s a weird one, I don’t remember pain, but my physio therapist had short curly hair. I wanted to watch Mars Attacks once, the nurse said “no” I said why? She said “you’re too young” I said no she said “yeah” I said yeah I can watch Mars Attacks? She said “watch Dumbo” I said I’ve watched it about ten times already Judith she said “watch it an eleventh then” I said that’s an odd number I don’t work that way –

Roy 8. Is this going somewhere?

Cody. Sorry. Point is I remember the video nazi but I don’t remember how it felt for my lung to collapse. And I can’t really spell pneumonia so, and like I always thought I was in hospital for a long time, but me mum says it was two weeks. I remember I think it was Easter because when I went home there were Easter eggs on the settee for me.

Roy 9. So when did you nearly die?

Cody. Well like I don’t remember that bit.

Roy 10. So you just could have died. I could have died earlier when I crossed the road to Tesco for my meal deal.

Cody. Yeah but, that isn’t the same.

Roy 11. But you are better now. You aren’t dying anymore.

Cody. Well yeah I am. We all are every bloody day, this is why I need to do this show with you, to like sort it out, talk about it and that, I don’t remember the first time I nearly died but I’ll remember the next.

Roy 12. But you will be dead.

Cody. My family will remember it. Sits on the settee and starts to eat pickled eggs. They ran out of chocolate ones.

Mum and Dad’s interview plays on the projecting.

Cody. See they remember, well me mum does.

Roy 13. So you’re scared about how you will be remembered?

Cody. If I died now I’d be the idiot whose lung collapsed at six and started smoking at sixteen. Talk about lucky fucking numbers.

Blackout. Roy is on the projector.

Roy 14. THIS IS A PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT. A PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ANY PASSENGER GETTING THE FIFTEEN THIRTY-FIVE TRAIN S-SERVICE TO LEICESTER. THIS TRAIN HAS BEEN CANCELLED. THIS IS DUE TO A PERSON BEING HIT BY A TRAIN. ON BEHALF OF EAST MIDLANDS TRAIN S-SERVICE WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED.

Lights up. Cody is sat on the rug staring into the audience.

Cody. A couple of weeks ago I was going home for me Easter jollies and I got stranded in Nottingham, which you know, it is one of the nice stations, there’s a costa. But that message “we apologise for the inconvenience” played over and over again, and I realised everyone around me felt “inconvenienced”. I mean my girlfriend Jess had to drive all the way from Leicester to pick me up, which meant that I had to offer petrol money that I actually didn’t have, but I wouldn’t say I was inconvenienced. You know because I am not the person that got swept by a train, or the train driver that had to watch it happen and couldn’t do anything about it, nor am I a parent that got a call to say “your son or daughter has been hit by a train. Sorry for the inconvenience caused”. Stands up. I was sat at a bench and two businessmen came over. One sat next to me and the other stood up. The one who sat down said nothing. The other one said too much.

Roy 15. Look over there, there’s a Goth. He looks a bit like a Panda. Weird.

Cody mouths along with the recording. Taking the piss out of the businessman.

Cody. Prick.

Roy 14. THIS IS A PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT. A PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ANY PASSENGER GETTING THE FIFTEEN THIRTY-FIVE TRAIN S-SERVICE TO LEICESTER. THIS TRAIN HAS BEEN CANCELLED. THIS IS DUE TO A PERSON BEING HIT BY A TRAIN. ON BEHALF OF EAST MIDLANDS TRAIN S-SERVICE WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED.

Cody. The message is relayed ten times before –

Roy 16. Did she say person? A person? Perhaps he missed the train. Cody puts his arms out in a stopping motion. “Stop! Wait for me!”

Roy 17 laughs.

Cody. Hilarious. People aren’t connected that’s why Roy, audience when I die we’re all gonna connect, now I’m not that important so no one is gonna sing purple rain with candles at my funeral. RIP by the way Prince. But what about this?

Auld Lang Syne begins to play. Cody struggles with a lighter. And pretends to know the words and he lays in the coffin.

Roy 18. Oh what about something dramatic?

Eastenders theme tune plays.

Cody. Sits up. Yes!!!!

Goes down.

Happy by Pharrell Williams plays.

Cody. Sits up. NO!!!!

Roy 19. You have been going on about how sad it all is, blah blah blah, wah wah wah. What about something joyous and celebratory?

Cody. Oh. Hahaha. No. my death, my fucking funeral.

Roy 20. There’s something for you at the side of the stage. I prepared it especially.

Cody gets up and pulls out a Day of the Dead alter.

Cody. What’s this?

Roy 21. A day of the dead alter. Do you like it?

Cody. It’s a bit morbid init?

Roy 22. No it’s not. It is comprised of very personal things. Your head shots, because you like those. And you were an ugly baby so no one took pictures of you. Some candles and inscents, can’t light them though because you’re inside a smoke sensitive studio. A can of Monster because you drink that and some bread of the dead.

Cody. Picks up the 50/50 hovis. This is bread of the dead? Right well what do I, like what’s it for?

Roy 23. Well when you die people will be able to look at it and remember you and smile and laugh in your memory. Celebrating your life.

Cody. Why are you trying to ruin this for me? All I want is for everyone to be super sad, wearing all black, crying, maybe contemplating joining me, but then they would change their mind just as long as the thoughts there, do you know what I mean?

Roy 24. Did you know that in Madagascar it is tradition that every seven years or so villagers dig up the bones of their ancestors and dance with them?

Cody. They fucking do what?

Roy 25. Oh yeah, it’s like a party, celebrating their lives. People do cry you’ll be pleased to know but they also laugh and remember the good times. Beautiful isn’t it?

Cody. Like what kind of dance though? A cute waltz or a drunken Macarena?

Roy 26. They just put them over their heads and bounce a bit. But the moral is, you wanted help to not worry about dying. You’re basically only worried about leaving your family behind. These two examples are just to let you know that all will be fine. You know but laughing and having fun isn’t them forgetting how sad it is that you’re not there. They’re living there lives whilst remembering you. You can’t mourn forever.

Cody. You could if you tried hard enough. But I see what you mean. It’s just like me dad says death is like the full stop at the end of a sentence. That’s a scary thought. I do want people to cry at my funeral, and I suppose they can celebrate my life too. Because you know 22 years, there has to be something to celebrate in that, but also a life to be mourned. But yeah I’m still scared of death itself. I mean you’re alright crack, but you can’t expect me to not shit meself over it. Or to not be sad when someone else dies.

Pause.

Roy 27. Are you ready?

Cody. Laughs No I’m not.

Spirit in the Sky begins to play.